I've been having one of those weeks. Well actually it's probably been more like two weeks now. I've turned into mama bear, not the caring one from Goldilocks the big grizzly type. Nothing seems to be going the way I want it.
Normally the fact that I have cleaned the house on Monday morning, even gone to the effort of actually ironing Ewan's shirts and making my bed, and then by the time Ewan arrives home it looks like I've just been sitting on my butt watching trash on TV, doesn't bother me.
Tuesday through to Thursday I have work so these days dinner is barely a toasted cheese sandwich. I usually don't feel guilty about this because I know that the boys have been fed a healthy meal at day care and Ailish and Ewan, well they will survive.
I usually just go with the flow on the weekends. The weekends are usually taken up with Saturday morning sport, church and trying to catch up with family and friends. Hectic but that usually is ok.
NO MORE.....
This past fortnight I have just had enough. My stress levels have been so high that I have been suffering from anxiety attacks (these are a new phenomenon to me this year) and the kids and Ewan have been coping the brunt of my grizzliness.
I have had enough of feeling like I have accomplished nothing.
Sick of the house always looking like 3 kids live there.
Sick of going to work, sick of travelling an hour each way too and from work.
Sick of not beeing able to cook great family meals...I LOVE COOKING.
Sick of not being able to watch and help out at netball practice.
Tired of always getting cross at Ailish about homework.
Sick of feeling like I haven't paid enough attention, or spent enough quality time with the kids.
My garden looks like...well not good. I love gardening but just haven't the time.
I think as an individual i want to be the best. I want to be the best wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend, employee, primary leader, cleaner, cook that I can be. I know in my head that I can't give 110% of myself to everything all the time, some things just have to wait.
I'm pretty sure there isn't an answer, this is not new, I'm not the only person that feels overwhelmed at times. I'm not looking for sympathy, I just needed to vent.
I feel very fortunate in my life. I have a husband that is madly in love with me; 3 healthy, active children, fantastic family and friends. I am fortunate to have a roof over my head and live in a country where I am free to make choices. I am truly blessed. I just have to remind myself of this more often.
5 comments:
Before i started this blog thing Mick would get the 'something has to change' talk regularly. Lately I've realised I have soul sisters who are equally maxed out. And I made a new plan. Get my dip. ed. in three years then get paid more as a teacher then do my landscape/garden then fix my bathroom. If I don't get my dip. ed. in three years then i can go back to 'something has to change'
some days life just sucks.
thankfully most days it doesn't.
wish i had something more inspiring to offer...but i don't.
love you, keep thinking happy thoughts. love sharry.
Kristi, once upon a time when I had all the kids underfoot I remember feeling like all I do is go round and round like a hampster on a wheel and seemingly no purpose! One day I went to a garage sale and bought a wee cupboard and painted it white and traced a picutre of flowers on the glass and made it so pretty and for weeks after when I looked at it I would smile and think "look what I accomoplished". It was a small thing, and no one ever knew how it made me feel valued. Take small bites of life. Look for a small task to accomplish each the day, one that will make you smile when you see it even if others don't! I also had a freezer that was taller than the children and they could not touch it (we lived in a 2 bed room trailer house) ugly and small! Anyway I began to calligraphy because I could stand it on the freezer and the children could not get it. Years later I could do calligraphy quite well all because I could do nothing else with my time but take small bites of life. What am I trying to tell you? Just that pleasures come small and are only glances sometimes and are to be cherished when they show up. Other times life is life and comes at your in all shapes and sizes. Hope this is not too preachy, but I remember feeling a little like you do and wondering what was the point! Then I recently had my wee granddaughter Lizzy, who called me up and said "Granny, Can I sleep in your bed" and it all seemed worthwhile. Love ya lots....hang in there....love dinah
We've all been there and will be there-- I know I'm due for a stress attack when it's been a few weeks. I can feel it coming on.. sometimes enough to warn Jacob!
hikristie
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